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These 7 skills separate successful kids from ‘those who struggle’: Psychologist and parenting expert

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When I began my career teaching at-risk children, most of my students lived in poverty, suffered abuse, or were challenged by learning, emotional or physical disabilities. I wanted to find ways to help them succeed.

As an educational psychologist, I learned a very important lesson: Thrivers are made, not born. Children need safe, loving and structured childhoods, but they also need autonomy, competence and agency to flourish.

After combing through piles of research on traits most highly correlated to optimizing kids’ thriving abilities, I identified seven skills kids need to boost mental toughness, resilience, social competence, self-awareness and moral strength — and they are what separates successful kids who shine from those who struggle:

1. Self-confidence

Most parents equate self-esteem with self-confidence. They tell their kids “You’re special” or “You can be anything you want.”

But there’s little evidence that boosting self-esteem increases academic success or even authentic happiness. Studies do show, however, that children who attribute their grades to their own efforts and strengths are more successful than kids who believe they have no control over academic outcomes.

Real self-confidence is an outcome of doing well, facing obstacles, creating solutions and snapping back on your own. Fixing your kid’s problems or doing their tasks for them only makes them think: “They don’t believe I can.”

Kids who have self-assuredness know they can fail but also rebound, and that’s why we must unleash ourselves from hovering, snowplowing and rescuing.

2. Empathy

This character strength has three distinct types: affective empathy, when we share another’s feelings and feel their emotions; behavioral empathy, when empathic concern rallies us to act with compassion; and cognitive empathy, when we understand another’s thoughts or step into their shoes.

Kids need an emotional vocabulary to develop empathy. Here are ways parents can teach that:

  • Label emotions: Intentionally name emotions in context to help them build an emotion vocabulary: “You’re happy!” “You seem upset.”
  • Ask questions: “How did that make you feel?” “You seem scared. Am I right?” Help your child recognize that all feelings are normal. How we choose to express them is what can get us in trouble.
  • Share feelings: Kids need opportunities to express their feelings in a safe way. Create that space by sharing your own emotions: “I didn’t sleep much so I’m irritable.” “I’m frustrated with this book.”
  • Notice others: Point out people’s faces and body language at the library or park: “How do you think that man feels?” “Have you ever felt like that?”

3. Self-control

The ability to control your attention, emotions, thoughts, actions and desires is one of the most highly correlated strengths to success — and a surprising untapped secret to helping kids bounce back and thrive.

One way to teach self-control is to give signals. Some kids have a hard time changing focus between activities. That’s why teachers use “attention signals” like ringing a bell or verbal cues: “Pencils down, eyes up.”

Develop a signal, practice together, and then expect attention! A few: “I need your attention in one minute.” “Ready to listen?”

Another technique is to use stress pauses. Slowing down gives them time to think. Teach a “pausing prompt” your child can use to remind them to stop and think before acting:

  • “If you’re mad, count to 10 before you answer.”
  • “When in doubt: Stop, think, cool off.”
  • “Don’t say anything you wouldn’t want said about you.”

4. Integrity

5. Curiosity

6. Perseverance

7. Optimism



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